It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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