Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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