the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
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A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
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There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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