Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
