I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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