one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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