btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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