my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
