This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
