all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
We left the knife in your bed.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
