my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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