Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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