just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
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Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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