I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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