Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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