I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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