Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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