Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
