I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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