i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
