watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
