One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
