3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
