areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
