I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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