More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
