I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
