I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
