Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I need to stop coming to work sober
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
