he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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