He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
