Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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