If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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