you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
