Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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