A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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