My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
