Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
