My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I am midnight drunk by noon
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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