I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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