well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
