Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
