Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
