The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
