i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
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