someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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