Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
