I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
