i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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