Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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