my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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