His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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