Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
