4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
