He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
